Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
