Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
