I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
