two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
