when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
