He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
