He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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