the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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