I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
