your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
why is half of my head shaved?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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