Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
