Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
