Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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