Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
