Apparently you make a good broom.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
There are leaves in my underwear?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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