none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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