i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
