remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
