when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
