I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
