Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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