so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
