1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
