I can text with my tongue
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
