She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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