I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
