watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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