I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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