I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
