My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
