Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
