Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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