i would punch a child for taco bell
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
so let's talk penis.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
