He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
