i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
just tell him i said nine months
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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