hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
