Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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