made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
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