I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
