two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
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