A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
