I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
