So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
