I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
