i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
