i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
