DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
