and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
