my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
