First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
