soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I don't deserve a penis
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
