what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
