I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
