We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
