somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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